"Mona"
fantasy preparatory drawing
by Carin Perron
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It was Scott's birthday party. As Scott was rather younger, most of the guests were quite young too, but his parents were also there. I kept noticing this girl who kept smiling at me but said nothing. She was younger than me, but older than Scott. I found it rather strange. I imagined that she was a younger friend of Scott's parents but she looked European and I thought that perhaps she did not speak English. After a while, she did approach me when I was in the kitchen to apologize for staring at me. She said "I thought you were a person whom I had been writing poems about for a few years". Sometimes, you make an involuntary movement. I took a sudden step backwards and bumped into the fridge. Desperate to show that she was not some sort of lunatic, Carrie then started talking about the technicalities of writing poetry and told me that she had been a teacher at Scott's high school. After the party, we went to an all night coffee shop and talked until dawn.
She wrote little about our family life, or herself for that matter, always wanting to look externally, but here's the poem she did write about our family. As per her wishes, I read it at her memorial service. She passed away after a three year battle with terminal breast cancer:
Domestic Epiphanies
It just doesn't get any
better than this,
this slice of heavenly pie-in-the-sky, neatly cut
and lowered on noiseless and well-oiled wheels,
this slice of heavenly pie-in-the-sky, neatly cut
and lowered on noiseless and well-oiled wheels,
and I feel luckier than I
deserve, relishing these homey times,
some quiet, some full of bustle, when the ordinary slips smoothly,
imperceptibly, into transcendent, crystalline moments—
in the twinkling of an eye,
some quiet, some full of bustle, when the ordinary slips smoothly,
imperceptibly, into transcendent, crystalline moments—
in the twinkling of an eye,
and I sit quietly and
watch from a distance,
and relive, in these wondrous tableaux, my childhood—
the way I always wanted it to be,
and relive, in these wondrous tableaux, my childhood—
the way I always wanted it to be,
and I marvel at how little
it takes
to set each perfect scene:
to set each perfect scene:
Three spoons in their
communal plate,
three girls at the table, eagerly stand, hungrily
waiting for the first smooth hot mounds
of freshly-made pease porridge...
three girls at the table, eagerly stand, hungrily
waiting for the first smooth hot mounds
of freshly-made pease porridge...
Or, my daughter, calling
me to come and feel
her loose tooth, almost-but-not-quite ready to come out;
her loose tooth, almost-but-not-quite ready to come out;
Later, after secret
bustlings,
she ushers us to a low table set for two:
on a square of black felt, white coral ribbed like mushroom-gills,
a dried rose, two brandy glasses of milk—and in the dazzling sun,
a candle, just for show.
she ushers us to a low table set for two:
on a square of black felt, white coral ribbed like mushroom-gills,
a dried rose, two brandy glasses of milk—and in the dazzling sun,
a candle, just for show.
Or, going to bed, and
Daisy, a kitten now half-grown,
curls up beside me, warm and soft and purring low,
looking up with lucid, intelligent eyes...
curls up beside me, warm and soft and purring low,
looking up with lucid, intelligent eyes...
Or, with old friends in
winter-time, among the comfort
of mulled wine, laughter, and slow conversation;
of mulled wine, laughter, and slow conversation;
Or, just sitting sleepily,
Saturday morning, at the smooth white
kitchen table, eating oatmeal, warm and sweet and milky,
and my husband turns on the radio,
and we listen to old songs on Max Ferguson,
kitchen table, eating oatmeal, warm and sweet and milky,
and my husband turns on the radio,
and we listen to old songs on Max Ferguson,
eating the porridge, so
wonderfully haunting and warm,
as it lies quietly in pools of cool milk,
and my daughter pronounces it delicious,
which it is, and I want it all to last,
as it lies quietly in pools of cool milk,
and my daughter pronounces it delicious,
which it is, and I want it all to last,
and it does. The leftover
dribble of milk on a saucer
is converged on by cats, sleek and gray and black and white,
is converged on by cats, sleek and gray and black and white,
and I float back to my own
warm bowl,
wondering when this is all going to end,
wondering when this is all going to end,
but it doesn't end;
and I wonder if it's all
this simple,
if Mona Lisa was simply happy at home,
with a good man, good children,
a lovely bright kitchen, and in back,
a quiet garden waiting for her;
if Mona Lisa was simply happy at home,
with a good man, good children,
a lovely bright kitchen, and in back,
a quiet garden waiting for her;
Was she just happy to sit
in the slanting, golden afternoon light,
and be painted, her plump hands shiny and smooth from making bread
and scrubbing tiles and folding sheets, fully content to just exist,
like a lovely thing, resting palm upon wrist, doing nothing
but sitting and not-quite smiling?
and be painted, her plump hands shiny and smooth from making bread
and scrubbing tiles and folding sheets, fully content to just exist,
like a lovely thing, resting palm upon wrist, doing nothing
but sitting and not-quite smiling?
Did she feel lucky, too;
was she glad of this special golden quiet,
knowing that nothing out there was any less happy than this;
knowing she had only to get up, and smooth out the folds
of her dark, simple dress, and walk down the long, sunny streets
towards home?
knowing that nothing out there was any less happy than this;
knowing she had only to get up, and smooth out the folds
of her dark, simple dress, and walk down the long, sunny streets
towards home?
No matter; for there she
sits, with that look of confounding content—
and I am she, a woman as pleased in her skin as a cat,
just happy to be where I sit, or happy to get up and smooth down my skirt
and walk the bright road towards home—
and I am she, a woman as pleased in her skin as a cat,
just happy to be where I sit, or happy to get up and smooth down my skirt
and walk the bright road towards home—
and it doesn't much matter
which.
Hi John, Always sad to remember things past, but a beautiful poem that reflects an understanding of how women can be happy in their world, contentment is often forgotten in the lexicon of our lives....
ReplyDeleteHi Thelma, Sadness is transient, but beauty remains. It has been more than ten years since her death. I thought that I was over the grief after three years, but I found that I was doing much better in the fourth year. Of course, this is just one perspective and I think of Queen Victoria mourning the loss of Albert (forever?).
ReplyDeleteThe key line and part of the reason, I think, that she wanted the poem read at her memorial service was:
the way I always wanted it to be
Her mother was a classic narcissist. Carrie's stories of her childhood reminded me of Dickens. Her cleverness and skills were something her parents brought out for visitors to impress them as if Carrie was a trained monkey. They frequently even forgot her birthday. Her mother always hated me but liked Carrie's former, abusive and controlling , husband.
My own childhood was far better but it had its moments. I think the best of us raises our children with a mind of not repeating the wrongs we had experienced, while those devastated by their past say "if it was good enough for me..." and the cycle of abuse continues. Our daughter is a happy, talented and successful woman with a good husband, a happy home and two great kids. We must have done something right.
Men can sometimes reach that state of contentment, but not always, and most often later in life. I feel that way quite often and actively reject that which tries to destroy it.
I'll post a few more of her poems from time to time.
Sometimes I think that my life was written by Robertson Davies -- like the Deptford trilogy:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Deptford_Trilogy